The Last of The Bottoms. Honest.

It is hot. Incredibly hot. Even the owners of our apartment are complaining how hot it is. This means that I am showering at least 76 times a day. Taking a shower makes no difference to how wet I look, as everywhere I go I look as if I’ve just stepped out of the shower. It used to be that you could track my whereabouts by following the oil leak from my trusty Peugeot 407. Now you just have to follow the pools of sweat. Bizarrely though, I appear to be the only person in Rio affected in this way!

“Has anyone seen Paul?”

“Yes, you see that puddle of water over there under the hat?”

“What, the British Lobster Pink coloured puddle of water?”

“Yes, that’s the one, that puddle is Paul”

I’ve discovered the correct technique to employ with Charlotte every time I get captured eyeing a pert bottom in a tiny thong (this happens approximately 6 times a minute). Charlotte looks at me, I look sheepishly at her, and say “But it’s not as nice as your bottom, dear”. And then this afternoon when Charlotte said “The girl in the yellow bikini has great breasts!” I nonchalantly shrugged and said “They’re OK I suppose… ” While trying to keep a straight face. I’ve so far been nominated for a BAFTA and an Oscar…….

I had an email from WordPress today, who manage the blog. We had over 200 views yesterday! Who are these people? And haven’t they got lives to live? Strangely enough yesterday featured the first thong picture…… Rumour has it Andy Gray viewed it 158 times…..

This morning saw us taking a walk all the way along the length of Copacabana beach to Leme at the northern end (4km) where we had lemonade made freshly squeezed as we waited. Brilliantly thirst quenching! And still only £3 for 2. I can’t believe how cheap it is! On the way back I bought some Havaianas as I was the only person in South America not wearing them. But I find them impossible to walk in! Charlotte looks like my carer as I stagger and stumble around! Though I suppose a proper carer wouldn’t collapse with laughter when her charge falls off the pavement? I look like I’m  walking in flippers.

Then back for our daily siesta. This is the greatest thing ever invented! Bed? In the middle of the day?? Yes please!!! How very very civilised! I can just picture it if I have to return to work next year –

“AC7, are you free to attend a burglary?”

“Sorry Sarge, I’m just having a little snooze. Try calling back in a couple of hours, but I can’t promise anything……”.   Hmmmmmmm…..

Anyway, back to the siesta which is always preceded by a spot of lunch, usually for us a bit of ham, salad, cheese etc. Charlotte always insists on lettuce leaves of some sort, like rocket or …… more rocket. Now, I’ve given this a bit of thought this week, and I haven’t come up with a satisfactory answer – what exactly does lettuce bring to the party?????? Apart from adding colour, bugger all really. Very overrated in my humble opinion.

Now to more serious issues – I’ve had a series of responses to yesterday’s blog, and quite frankly, I’m very very disappointed. Here I am, on a cultural tour of the Southern Hemisphere, and all I get is requests for more pictures of bottoms. Cathedrals? No. UNESCO sites? No. Rare fauna and foliage? No. Bottoms? Yes! You’re a very rum lot. And sadly those requests have come from a successful international business man (Haxton) and current/retired police officers (Taylor, Khan, Beck, Drinkwater). I despair for our future. However, for this very last time I will oblige! But no more! (Mrs R has forbidden it). After that, it’s “specialist” websites for you lot!

image image image image image

 

No captions required for above gratuitous arse shots. And there will be no more. I’m a respectable 45 year old parent you know!

*Disclaimer: all photos have passed the Operation Yewtree credibility test…..

Beckham, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times - stop using my outdoor shower!!!

Beckham, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times – stop using my outdoor shower!!!

X99 flying over Copacabana Beach very slowly for the 29th time this afternoon. I suppose you would though, wouldn't you?

X99 flying over Copacabana Beach very slowly for the 29th time this afternoon. I suppose you would though, wouldn’t you?

 

Beer of the day. Antarctica. Very nice. But still 473ml???!!!

Beer of the day. Antarctica. Very nice. But still 473ml???!!!

Ok, surely it’s time Mrs R wrote something??????

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4 thoughts on “The Last of The Bottoms. Honest.

  1. This is fab reading… would make a great book at the end…. Really entertaining… keep up the good work… very best wishes and a very happy Birthday to Charlotte on Monday ☺ Suzanne & Andrew (2 loyal followers) xx

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  2. Paul

    I totally agree with the last comment I read, this is very funny. All that time spent with the underclass of Northern England (in your day job not the pub..) when you should have been writing, it’s hugely entertaining, please keep it up for the whole year.
    P.S. Adding to ‘beer of the day’ surely ‘bottom of the day’ for the whole year would prove a ratings winner?????!!!!

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  3. Mr Rock.
    The thing that alarms me slightly about your rather good photos of several bottoms on the beach is that they appear to have been taken from under a bag or as if the camera was being hidden by yourself as you snapped away greedily! … Worrying!

    Like

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