Another early start today, as I went running at 7am determined to make the most of the cooler weather. After all it was only 27 degrees. But once again the heat and humidity kept me to a leisurely 3 and a half miles. Great fun though, loads and loads of people out running. And remember, going out running doesn’t mean you can’t wear a thong!! My god! The friction!! Imagine if I tried it –
Daily Rio headlines : “English man explodes in rare chafing incident. Today, at 7.15 am Paul Rock spontaneously combusted as a direct result of the intense heat caused by the rubbing of his buttocks and thighs. Chief Inspector Raoul Diego was quoted as saying “Well, he only had a thong on. What does he expect? It was like the perfect storm”. His ashes will be placed in a beer bottle which will be transported from bar to bar at 3 minute intervals by anyone passing by without an allocated task”.
Speaking of newspapers, seeing the monkeys yesterday reminded me of this I read many years ago which has stuck with me – “The Infinite Monkey Theorem suggests that if you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite amount of time, one of them will produce the entire works of Shakespeare. A few years back, someone reduced the number of monkeys to 100, gave them a 12-hour deadline and created the Daily Mail.”
Overnight I have been severely bitten. This is a common thing for me, wherever I go. But I don’t remember being mauled by a Bengali Tiger during the night, for that is what it resembles. That, or a close quarters shotgun wound. I think I must have ant plasma in my blood, and am a god-like creature to ants worldwide, the holder of the elixir of eternal life. Those who drink from me will be granted super powers! Picture the scene –
The ANT bar in grANTham. Thousands of ants are gathered around the bar watching the big screen, where GIANT (The Global International Ant News Team) are about to unveil the venue for this year’s annual convention. The venue can only be decided when they have successfully hacked into the Rock’s computer to see where they are holidaying this year. Naturally they are drinking chiANTi, and Adam ANT was being played on the juke box.
samANTha – “Bloody hell, I hope it’s not The Lake District again. It always pisses down there.”
ANThony – “Or the Tour deFrance. Every sodding year. It’s not been the same since pANTani died”
mArTiN (his parents were dyslexic) – “and remember that skiing trip to Poland when he took that imbecile Blythe with him? And Blythe misadvertently broke a poor innocent man’s nose by irresponsibly waving his ski pole around?”
The ants chuckled at that.
All eyes were on the screen where the reporter, the intrepid BriAN T. [I’m running out of names here] was being beamed live from Harrogate.
“And this year’s convention will be held in………..RIO!!!!!!!!!!!!”
The bar erupts in joyous celebration as ants toast each other and Samba dance on the tables, already dreaming of which thongs they’d wear….
Is anyone else worried about my sanity yet? It’s alright for you lot, I have to live with this going on in my head 24 hrs a day! It’s like Michael Bentyne’s Potty Time in there!!! Charlotte has just said to me “What are you doing?”
“Writing about the ants” I replied
“Oh no. You haven’t given them names have you……?”
How well she knows me…..
Now here’s an entertaining story. I can’t mention any names, but just consider there were only two people in the bedroom at the time, and I’m not talking about me…..
At 6am this morning I was awoken by the longest, loudest, most resonant blast of human flatulence ever heard! It was a deep baritone, A flat minor I believe, which echoed through the hills of Rio de Janeiro. Initially I thought the old Queen Mary was docking in the harbour, until I heard giggling coming from the sleepy form beside me! I actually woke up laughing, which is never a bad thing! Later, seismic activity was reported as far away as Honolulu. Those of you who know the beautiful Charlotte will know that this is neither fabricated nor embellished!
A very pleasant little surprise over breakfast this morning when Charlotte received an email telling her she’d won £250 in her works monthly prize draw!! Haha! How very funny! That’s just about paid for our first week here! Someone up there is looking after us!!! Speaking of which – Blue Team, any news on our expenses?? That could buy me another 6 months here at this rate!
So, back to business. The favela trip has been postponed to Friday (ok, I messed up the booking), so we went to Christ The Redeemer this afternoon. Another completely amazing experience, and again highly recommended. We both have to keep pinching ourselves to believe this is real! And yes, we do constantly think how lucky we are. That was followed by a few lazy beers at a bar on Copacabana beach, then to our favourite bar, Ziza, where I treated Charlotte to a large sausage (Linguiça Almeha, a local delicacy). Very entertaining to see her eating it with some tiny chillies (No dear, they’re not hot at all, honest!)
Seeing as how we massively over estimated the prices here, tomorrow is a day on the wealthy posh beach at Leblon! I’m sure to fit in!!!