Belgium disqualified for being crap

I’ve had a complaint! The very honourable Steve Fincham (127 ranks above me at work) has noticed I failed to write yesterday!! Aha! But there was a very good reason! – yesterday was the very dreaded Tango Experience night, which included a FREE BAR!!! Oh great joy! The downside was that I was to endure a 1 hr tango lesson. I spent all afternoon limbering up, choosing my best leotard and leg warmers, and felt in pretty good shape! I watched 4 series of Strictly, and felt I could give it a pretty good go. So, collected by a 26 seater bus at half 6, off we went. However, I’d forgotten that these organised “experiences” collect from every hostel in town, so it wasn’t long before the bus was filling up with children, all oozing “cool” and “awesome” and “sick”. Once again, we were geriatrics…. Bruce, you deal with this all day long, and you have my deepest sympathy. I’m still struggling with “sick”? Is that good? Or bad??? To be honest, when I’m “sick” it’s fairly bad, but apparently not these days. Once again, we were back in the land of “Me, myself and I”. My favourite overheard comment from the Aussie girl on the seat behind us was “Iguazu Falls? Yeah it was ok, but at the end of the day it was just a lot of water”. Hmmm. Somewhat dismissive of one of the new 7 wonders of the world.
But there again, I have become my Father, Terry Rock. Not only am I now taking an interest in ancient churches, but I also find myself signalling to the waitress for the bill by just pretending to scribble something on my hand. As a kid, me and my brother and sister mercilessly took the piss out of my dad for doing this in foreign countries. Who knows, maybe next I’ll be investing in ISAS….. (Although I would need to borrow money off my parents to do this obviously)
So, at the tango show. An old theatre style building, and we were seated with the children ready for our meal, lesson, and tango show.
Introductions were made. Across from me and Charlotte were Thomas (from Manchester, a really nice guy in his 30s who had quite obviously ripped off a load of drug money and was on the run, but I liked him a lot), Rhys from Australia who was also a good lad and very funny, who worked a bit then travelled a lot, as gay as Christmas, and a girl. The girl told us her name, and then said “But you can call me Angel”! WTF! (To use child’s vernacular). She was from Guadeloupe, and so was French. Though had never been to France. (Charlotte has decided she’ll now introduce herself as Star Popper, and I’ll just stick with Wok Smuggler). Possibly 22ish, and, I have to say, very good looking with a lovely smile. Obviously very wealthy too. She was just travelling, with no itinerary, no plans apart from ending up in America where she’d arranged to marry a friend for a US passport! And the arrangement was that she’d pay his rent for 2 years! Whilst not working! I’m once again in the wrong job!!
I have to say, it was a great night, made particularly for me by the fact that we were overlooked for the dance lesson! Brilliant! (But Charlotte annoyed by this. Tough.) The dance show was superb, the food was …. OK, and the free bar was exactly what it said!
“Could I have another beer please?”
“A litre bottle Sir?”
“Oh, go on then”
Thomas, from Manchester, was obviously on beer, white wine and red wine. He was fecked by the end, in fact, asleep. Maybe he was dreaming of out running his drug baron pursuers…. Actually, in two weeks time he’s booked a ferry from Patagonia to the Antartica, so he must be really worried! That is no lie!
Following that, I think it was quite impressive that I was out running this morning! Only managed 4 miles though as I was a little dehydrated and humidity was about 567%. And then straight into a very very nice FaceTime chat with the wonderful Stevie P! How do I manage without him??? I have no idea. I’m pleased to say I broke his virginity of FaceTime! Hey Mrs P! Fancy that eh? What made me laugh afterwards was that Steve said “OK, you go have a shower now” thinking I was sweating from running, but I’d already showered and was still leaking all over! In fact, today reached a new zenith in sweating – I’ll try and do this politely – the time between reaching for toilet roll, getting it with wet hands, and manoeuvring it into place, rendered the toilet roll unusable due to sogginess. Maybe that’s why they have bidets here…..
A good source of entertainment this last couple of days has been the Belgian con artist. A very bad man. I saw him 3 times yesterday! But, to completely make my day today, he approached me and Charlotte and gave us his usual spiel! Brilliant! I eventually said “Don’t you remember me??” No. So, another verbal assault on him! He’s gone down in my estimation now from just being a “bad man, good con artist” to “bad man, pathetic con artist”. Funnily enough Garry had just texted me to tell me to give him a slap! But I’m not that sort of person of course! It’ll be funny to see how many more times he tries me before we leave on Monday!
Speaking of Garry, brilliant to chat with him tonight! His new beard makes him very George Clooneyish! Top man Gaz!
Finally for today, I spotted a bar last night on the bus – The Irish Clover. Selling draught Guinness. So we walked there today, about 63 miles in great heat and humidity. Arriving at 2, it doesn’t open til 5! Thwarted once more!!!! But. I. Will. Get. My. Guinness. One. Day.
And finally finally. An observation both me and Charlotte have made in the last two weeks – police women in Buenos Aires are absolutely beautiful! They must have to pass some sort of rigorous beauty parade to get accepted!!!! Just saying……


My favoured transport around Buenos Aires….


….helps me over come the water cannon which is here waiting for Thursday morning’s coup.


This shop has a special entrance for Ken and Linda, and free parking for them on the shelf above.


This girl disregarded Rachael’s very specific risk assessment, and paid the price.


Everywhere I go now in BA the press are ahead and waiting for me.


My beautiful wife


What my hair is about to become 30 years after this was taken….

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