Paolo and Carlotta. And José.

Paolo and Carlotta had been joined in Australia by their delinquent son, José. This was part of a new government scheme to keep the homeless off the streets. Yes, it was true – due to the selfish actions of Paolo and Carlotta, José’s evil parents, José was indeed homeless. Nine weeks in the sun in Australia and Thailand was a far better option than living on the grim streets of Salford, gradually selling off all his major organs for money for food.
It had soon become evident to Paolo and Carlotta that José was not a morning person (unless you include the hours midnight to 4am) and only grunts were uttered from him prior to lunch.
It also became evident that José was some strange type of animal serial killer – lovingly collected crabs were fed to the seagulls and ants were burned. His major ambition on this trip was to punch a kangaroo. (It had been noted that he wasn’t quite so brave/psychotic when faced with a 5m long crocodile….)
Speaking of crocodiles Paolo learnt yesterday that a croc can go 12 months between meals. Paolo had once seen Carlotta go 12 minutes without a meal, but that had been back in 1994. Carlotta had responded that she’d NEVER seen Paolo go 12 minutes without either a beer or a cigarette. Or both.
Paolo’s contempt for Aussie beer was shown by the way he visited every single off licence they passed, only to exit empty handed and disgusted. Who on earth would want to drink beer with a strength of 2.5%?? Paolo and José followed a strict code in which the very minimum permitted strength was 4.5%.
Many of the off licences here (or bottle shops as they’re known) are drive-thru! This is because for every visit you need to purchase at least 8 cases of beer just in order to get over the legal driving limit, and you need to fill the boot of your car up.
Most days for Paolo, Carlotta and José are spent lazing on the beach. As it’s midwinter here, and only 21-25 degrees, the locals look at them as if they are mental. While they sunbathe on the beach the locals walk around dressed as if they’re going skiing in blizzard conditions. Very strange.
Paolo had confirmed the booking for the sailing course in November at Langkawi. This had been done without giving any consideration to Carlotta’s inherent violent seasickness. She only had to see a boat to feel queasy. Once on a day’s sailing in the Caribbean Carlotta had had to be medically sedated, so ill was she, and now Paolo expected her to spend 6 days solid on a tiny yacht. Paolo’s supportive advice had been along the lines of “Just man up” and “Get a grip”. All very helpful. Maybe we could look at it as an intensive slimming course? Not, of course, that Carlotta needed any slimming, as she was looking even more beautiful than ever before! 😆
Carlotta had never seen Paolo as excited about anything as he was about the sailing. Already he was wearing an eyepatch and responding to everything by “Aaaaaarrrrr!” She’d caught him pricing up a parrot and a cutlass on the Internet… She realised that Paolo saw this as a possible future, sailing around the world on super yachts surrounded by the rich and famous. Well, it was going to be either that or foot beat in Bradford in a big hat on night duty……


Beaches. Always far too crowded.


José the psycho looks for some more innocent sea life victims…..


A bottle shop drive thru!


Carlotta and José take part in a beer drinking competition. They are each on their 58th pint, yet still able to drive…..


Our terrible view on today’s beach

One thought on “Paolo and Carlotta. And José.

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s